Purple*wink

Recently, I have been watching quite a number of shows from cable and heard this beautiful song. And presto, I instantly fell in love with it. It’s a beautiful, beautiful song I want to master for my next trip to the shower. I am definitely adding this song into my Ipod list. Not a perfect song to play while I run around the park, but just an excellent song when I want to go “senti”.

Google is everyone else’s bestfriend and same goes for me. So one boring cyber day in my life, I went ahead and searched for this song.  I am sharing everyone the lyrics and like me, make google your bestfriend as well.

The lyrics are the exact description of what I am feeling at this point in my life. I feel every word is dedicated to me (hahahaha… uber, I know..) but in any case, it doesn’t matter.

The song is right. He turned me into somebody loved.

Extremely Important: Alright, by this time, you should be seeing two stars in my eyes when you see me.

SOMEBODY LOVED

The Weepies

Rain turns the sand into mud
Wind turns the trees into bone
Stars turning high up above
You turn me into somebody loved

Nights when the heat had gone out
We danced together alone
Cold turned our breath into clouds
We never said what we were dreaming of
But you turned me into somebody loved

Someday when we’re old and worn
Like two softened shoes
I will wonder on how I was born
The night I first ran away from you

Now my feet turn the corner back home
Sun turns the evening to rose
Stars turning high up above
You turn me into somebody loved

Yeah, you’ve heard it right. I am growing my hair again. After my ala Kate Holmes’ episode, this time I wanna try the Beyonce look, hahahaha…

Well, also because I need some changes. I need them like a breathe of fresh air. Last year, I got rid of all clutter in my small apartment. Gosh, it felt good to finally sleep not in the jungle, but in a safe and tidy bed. Okay, before you guys throw nasty words at me, I am not an OC if you know what I mean. I am simply the laidback, easy and free-spirited type.

And this year, after reading lotsa books about life, I am finally getting rid of my old things. From my most prized shoe collection to the chocolate wrappers I kept, I am saying goodbye to them. My current mission to get rid of “clutter’ even includes relationships that don’t work, friends who do not care like I do, tasks or job that hinders me from what I want to be. All of these, I am finally letting go.

There is courage when you make unpopular decisions but it takes more courage to accept things as they are and the things that we cannot change. I am finally trying to work around it instead of raising my arms. But there are also some things that we had to let go (this part I am very nostalgic, and my drama queen skills come very handy). I need a quiet change, so quiet that I would not even feel things have changed at all.

There is beauty in change. The one that we see is the new us. Smarter, bolder, yet kinder. I am trying to grow my hair back. For a new me. For my new fate.

Thought you might wanna see my good old glory days..

Good old glory days!

Everybody asks me if I am Chinese..

I read somewhere that in order for you to get what you want for the whole year, you should recite your mantra the moment you wake up. It could be as silly as it gets or as serious as world peace but hey, a mantra is a mantra. And to attract the good and the beautiful, then start designing you own mantra.

I want to achieve a lot of things this year so I thought i’d start creating a list. Here’s what I’ve got so far:

• I am patient
• I am ehem…. beautiful
• I am smart
• I am sexy
• I am gorgeous
• I am desirable
• I am powerful
• I dream big and therefore I am successful
• I accept challenges in any form and will never quit
• I will travel to places I have never been this year
• I will meet a lot of friends from all over the world
• I will think 1 million times before I open my mouth
• I will only say words with sense
• I won’t give up on love.
• Never..

And so what?!?!

Nothing wrong to be a drama queen if you are one. Well at least as long as the people you care about do not mind them.

I summarized some of the symptoms (or is it a sign?… Whatever!) of being a queen…. A drama queen that is!

1. You tell your SO (significant other, hello?) that you had to let him go because you love him to much and you want him to be happy. Truth is, you wanna keep him in your pocket… or bag so you can take him whenever you want him to be.
2. When he asks you if there’s something wrong, you tell him nothing. As in absolutely nothing. Nothing… Nada… Zero….. Then when he stops asking you, you begin to open your mouth and struggle to tell him what’s wrong.
3. When you try to tease him like a cutie pinch on his belly, while he’s sipping coffee, then he told you to stop because it hurts, you think he does not love you at all. Then you start taking shower in the morning and off to your appointment thinking if he has changed all these time. Or whether he changed his mind in loving you. Then you get distraught the whole time you were out and when you see him in the evening, a simple Yes or No is all you can say to him.
4. You always ask him if he misses you. Albeit you won’t stop probing until you hear him say he does. And you secretly wish and pray that he really does miss you while he’s working. You just wanna hear it over and over again.
5. You stop sending messages to him for an interval of 2 days straight…. just to test whether he will in any way remember that you exist. And he never fails to remember you. He still sends you message. Then you smile when you sleep at 4PM.
6. You hate to be ignored. Terribly that you can kill if he does ignore you to death. And when you feel that he is ignoring you, then you ignores him too. And after 3 days he was successful in doing so, you cry in your sleep. You pray to God to give you the strength and the courage to go on with your life.
7. You are reading this blog and smiling. Yes, you are a queen… A drama queen that is!

Okay, the negative force is slowly kissing me… And to top it all, lotsa things are going on and hey, it’s just the beginning of 2009. Talking about welcoming the New Year with a big bang.

And so, well anyway, I can’t stop opening my mouth counting all the little “misfortunes” I had for 2009. Oh yes, and I am so happy to even share them in this blog:

1. Career

• And so I thought this “option” would work for me. But lo and behold, I was advised my profile does not seem to match the job requirement. Ouch! That hurts! And to even think I never had a Plan B.
• Oh yeah, I think I’m gonna be stucked being an ‘Architect” all through out this year. I was trying to go back to the old industry which I think I really belong to no avail. I revert to praying that God will give me strength and courage to accept things as they are. Amen!
• Argggh!! Okay… Yong and I share the same sentiments… Damn it:P
• By the way, here’s one of my bestest friends, Beb.. Aka. Yong
• 

2. Savings

• I was shocked to discover that I lost some moolah but clueless when and where it suddenly disappeared. I am talking about foreign currency here. ***Hint: Think about euros… or dollars:(
• I was so pissed that I ended up shopping one morning and in minutes was munching over some sick and full-caloried pasta from FB.
• I messaged Yong and told him how miserable I am. His advise???— Go and watch Wowoweeeee! Okay, that, I think would work!

3. Romance

• And there I was reading Bo Sanchez’ blog after an argument with my “Mafia”. I realized I am becoming a drama queen when I should not be. Blame it on when a woman is in love, hahaha.
• But congratulated myself because I, once again did not flare up. I ended up sleeping at 4pm quietly…… Alright, I admit, I was teary -eyed. And that’s while praying to ease the pain.
• Stop it. I know I am crazy.

4. Health

• I was forced by all means to have an Annual Physical Exam (APE) only because it’s a requirement in my current job on your birthday month. What the hell.. Hmpffff..
• The lady doctor told me something which threw me in massive panic attack. Thoughts of dying young are going crazy.
• But all that is … are yet mere suspicions. Need to be more conscious of my health next time.

But when I start to rant… all these time, I was praying. God will never give me something I cannot bear. Truly, when it rains, it pours.  I’d like to think these are situations designed for me to be more careful in my decisions…. yes, that  includes even when switching channels in my cable.

I will not be swayed. I have faith.. I have hope. I am strong. I am patient. I am smart.. And ehemm… I am beautiful.

And yes, I am jolly too. In fact, my last name is Molet.

Umuwi ako sa Virac last weekend. As always, sobrang masaya ako to see my nephews and nieces. My gosh, how can they grow so big and I didn’t know? Truly time really flies.

So dinner came, everybody is now asking me if I still have plans of getting married. To be honest, I’d love to see myself being married. But I am in no rush. I can see in their eyes that they are feeling the pressures of being a single woman like me. I’d like to take my sweet time.

Years ago, I almost got married. This is the main reason why I am very wary about marriage. At this point, I think I am ready to get married but the eternal question is to whom? Certainly not with a guy who does not know how to treat a woman right. Nor to a guy who doesn’t know what he wants in life. Most of the time, I am certain of my feelings, when some people are not.

So, when my family is feeling all the pressures, I understand that they fear I would end up being single all through my life. Much to their dismay, I just said if its not my time, then it isn’t.

I am working on it. Much prayers, trust, patience and perseverance. Sometimes, tears have to be shed when you fall in love. But they are all worth it in the end. Better to love that not loved at all.

So…. no, I don’t feel any pressure right now.

****I came across this love letter and thought might share it to everyone, so here it is!****

My Dearest Love,

When I first met you, I had a good feeling inside me; something’s telling me it is right. When I said,  you made me feel very nervous, that was true. But little did I know that there will be something beautiful coming out of it.

Each day started to be even more rosy as it was before. I knew you were a good man, I just simply felt you were and even are up to this day. I have never been so happy knowing there is a kind of love that makes us smile for no reason at all; jump for joy just for the heck of it or simply feeling that warmth inside our hearts. Yes, in my limited vocabulary, I call it love.

I know that we have agreed to find solace in each other’s feelings but the time has come that I must to let you know how much I deeply care for you. I am writing this letter to let you know that I am giving you that opportunity to seek even farther.

Today, I realized not all battles are worth fighting for. That if you quit, you are deemed as a loser. In life there are battles that we do not have to win, yet we become winners in our own very hearts. That is the battle I want to win.

I hope and pray that someone will love you even more than I have loved you. One who will make you say to yourself, “this is the person who makes me a better person”. The one whom you will drop everything just to be with her.

There is that kind of person, I know. Just seek her. And if you had the chance to find her, never let go until it’s time to let go. You will know when it will be time to let go… Your instincts will guide you, just like they guided me as I am writing this letter.

You are my greatest teacher in life as you have taught me excellent lessons: patience, perseverance, generosity, logic, humor and most of all LOVE.

I will forever remember you.. in my heart, mind and soul.

Kiss,

Love

Let me share to you some of the conversations I had with my nieces: Ali– my seven-year-old pretty and sweet, “Ate”.. ( we call her Ate at home being the eldest girl amongst all cousins)… And Yanna, a five-year-old… She has the wit of Dora and the audacity of Kris Aquino rolled into one. Mind you, she is very smart. She attends a special class for gifted students.

These conversations leave me laughing normally when I am taking a shower:

Scene 1:

After 10 minutes on the phone, Ali grabs the phone:

Ali: Mama Ninang, why are you still single.. I mean not married?

Me: (Finding the right words to say…).. Errrr.. nobody likes me, I will get married when somebody likes me..

Ali: Why don’t you marry Tito P__? (He is my ex who cheated on me after 2 years of being together)

Me: Well, I cannot marry someone who is six feet below the ground.

Ali: (I sensed some panic on her).. You mean he’s dead, like sa “ilalim ng lupa?”

Moral of the Story: I realized you should avoid at all cost talking to kids when you are still feeling bitter about a sad breakup.

**********************************************************************************

Yanna when she was about 2 or 3 was a kid who disliked eating. So sometimes her mom would ask me to feed her hoping I can make a difference.

Me: Yanna, eat or I will be very mad!

Yanna: I am sleepy.. I am tired…

Me: Stop pretending.. I know all these tricks you have.

Yanna: (She started crying…but opens her mouth..) I am a good girl.. right, Mama Ninang.. (I am not sure whether she is convincing herself or me..)

After 10 mins.. The food is still on her mouth as if she is trying to powder it on its purest form.

Me: My god, when are you gonna finished chewing your food?

Yanna: Teacher told us to eat slowly and carefully.

Moral of the Story: It’s always nice to be an aunt because if you get pissed, you always have the option to return them back to their moms.

But believe me, talking with my nieces or nephews have always been one of my happiest days. I have always liked kids.. We are great buddies.. We like eating together.

But when conversations like above heat up the moment, I guess I need to think twice if I can win another argument.

Okay, I think I need more practice.

‘PS: Here’s the pic of Ali and Yanna

Hey there you guys… Let me tell you, this is probably the most difficult thing I had to write to date. No, I am not talking about my heartaches.. Or my wild imaginations.. I decided for this entry, I am ready to write about my mother.

For the longest time, I never had the courage to write about my mom and her impact in my existence in this world.  But let me tell you, when I feel sick or sad, it is by this time that I so miss my mom, terribly.

My mother passed away December 2005. I just started on a new job with HSBC. I never made it for Christmas during that year because I was training for my new job. I never suspected anything that bad could happen even when I was told that on December 24th, she was rushed to the hospital. You see, my mom had occassional hypertension moments and I thought this one is just one of them. I was however wrong. From the moment she was brought in the hospital, she never woke up.. I never saw her smile again.

I was planning to spend New Year with my family in Virac. But too bad, i didn’t make it just in time before my mom finally said goodbye. The last time I saw her was October that year when she visited me thinking I was still recovering from a recent heartache with an ex.

The day I learned she was gone, I could not stop crying. Even up to this day, it’s only my mom who can make me cry. When I dream about her I always shed a tear or two. I never understand tears so much until the day I saw her lying there waiting to be hugged.

My life was never the same again after she was gone. I cried in all movies with a mother and daughter scenes. I kept telling Marcy he should appreciate his mom more when they have disagreements. I am especially touched seeing a mother and a baby and the bond that only them can understand.

I once had a date and in the middle of the that date, I just started crying when my date asked me about my mom. I just thought it was funny to talk and eat at the same time. But my date was so concerned, he said it’s better we change topic….

I have long accepted that my mom is happy with the Lord, but I just miss her sometimes. You see, my mom was the strongest person I know. When I start talking about her, I think it would take me 3 days and 2 nights to finish my stories.. I remembered that when I was asked to talk about my mom during her funeral, I cannot stop talking, the person from the church had to give me stern warnings to stop as the priest seemed to be impatient already… But I did not care, hahahaha.. I was just there fascinated with my mom’s stories.

I never failed to visit my mom when I go visit Virac. I still cry and never miss to shed a tear. Sometimes, I thought about the fact of when will I stop crying when I remember her. I know it’s gonna be a long shot, but I have said this many times that I would probably be crying still even after 50 years.

I miss you Mama.. Thank you for teaching me life’s greatest lesson. For your strength and for believing I can be a good writer when writing seemed to be the only thing that matters to me at 16.

I will always remember you even when I am not sick.