Purple*wink

“Forgive you for what? For keeping me awake until 2AM with only four (4) hours sleep? Never. “- Futuro Ex

He said that when I said sorry for keeping him glued to me for 5 hours because I was trying to raise my arms against him. He was kidding me. I didn’t understand tears very well.

I decided after much thought to call him Vin. I have always been a fan of Vin Diesel and I knew he had a movie with so much X (Triple X, I think it was).

So I have decided to keep Vin after that Monday morning argument. I was ready to leave but then his exact words were: I want to keep you. I want to make you happy. Vin doubles as my sweetest addiction. It is love, actually.

But then again I asked myself if I am really happy knowing that Vin and I are not on the same page. I was looking for more. All he wanted was just enough to keep him for the next day. This made me unhappy.

Excerpts from our conversation:

Vin: Ann you are not leaving me because you cannot make me happy, but because I make you unhappy. it’s different.
Me:  I think you are right.
Vin: If I didn’t take a decision to leave you is because if I leave you I’ll hurt you, if I stay I’ll hurt you. In any case I’ll hurt you.

So that makes him no good choice. But then again I asked him to give me a good reason to stay and keep him. His response was simple: Because according to him, he cooks excellent home dishes. I had to remind him the first time he fed me pasta from his -12 degrees apartment 4 hours away from Manila was terrible. He almost killed me. But then again he argued and told me it was Chinese pesto. And so there I was, I had to forgive him only because I need a nice meal in a cold winter afternoon.

There are still questions I was too afraid to ask but the most important ones have been answered. Thank God for there is the word called RISK. Now I don’t have anything to regret at this point.

It’s water under the bridge now. When I try to look back, it’s all worth it. I can wash my hands so I can come clean and flash my biggest smile.

Few days ago, I vowed to myself I need to rekindle my love affair with the word “PRETEND”. I have always thought it’s not a good word. But I need its company  to keep me sane. When I am ready to turn my back, I promise not to return. I’d leave pretending to where it belongs.

For now, let it be. The sun still shines on me. I need to train myself like a trained dog that I am to keep me going.

“I wanna keep you, Ann and I wanna make you happy.” It takes so much courage to comprehend this line.

Enough.

This entry was posted on Sunday, April 12th, 2009 at 9:02 pm Filed under Random Thoughts and. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.