Purple*wink

“Boy meets girl… Boy falls in love.. Girl doesn’t.” — (500) Days of Summer)

After watching (500) Days of Summer. I knew it. It would be my favorite movie for the next 6 months..Oh well maybe a year.. or 10 years? I don’t know. I just liked it. I really did.

Similar thing happened to me sometime ago. Girl meets boy… Girl falls in love. Boy doesn’t. I never fully understand heartache and its significance to one’s life until I got my heart broken.

As they say when a guy tells you he isn’t looking for a commitment, repeat it to a friend or write it down. That forces you to accept that he means it…. and he does. I wished I knew that line long before my “summer” days have started. But looking back, I feel it’s all worth it.

This movie reminded me that every heartache is worth the experience.. Whether you have loved and lost, what matters most is that you loved truly and deeply. Back in the old days, I tried really hard.. Almost too hard that I never really understood what’s going on.

Like the main character in the movie, I was happy and sad. I loved and hated him at the same time. I smiled and cried. I said hello and said goodbye. It started too soon but had to end so quick. It was never meant to be.

The irony of liking someone and when he/ she doesn’t like you back is that you always keep a small amount of hope that soon he would change his mind. And you wait.. and wait. and wait. But it never came.

Then you start to think whether you are crazy or just stupid. Of course you wouldn’t choose either one just to justify your action.

In the movie Summer said that love is a fantasy. Maybe it is. But in the end she was proved wrong since she found her true love and ended up getting married. The main guy character was left with no choice but to move on.

Sometime ago I had to do the same. It was painful. Really painful. Terrible. Really terrible.

But I guess like each morning, there comes another day. To start anew and start our own “summer” all over again. There is hope. There is love.

I don’t think it’s fantasy. Just believe. And it will come to you.

Disclaimer:

The following is a description of what happened to me the morning after my happy battle. I am no expert but I was lucky that acceptance was abundant in my heart. And this is the reason why I say I am finally free.

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I woke up thick-faced that fateful night. My eyes are swollen. My hair was a mess. For while I thought it translated what my life was all about at that point. Broken. Bleeding. Sad. After hours of crying in my sleep, now you know why.

But I needed to face another day of routine. This thing called job that feeds me. I need it to afford the ocassional trip I need when I need a boost. Or the simple joys like Dairy Queen’s blizzard in strawberry banana. I needed to get up. And so I did.

I was staring at my monitor and saw his message. He was asking how I am and if I was okay. But of course I’d say yes. I was amazed how my tears can show me what truth really means. No matter how truth really hurts, it leaves us no choice but to have the courage to move on.

I read his email for the second time. Then I started typing, putting on my happiest face and my impeccable convincing tone. I was ready to rekindle my love affair with the word “pretend”. And it was a perfect love affair indeed. He was convinced I was alright.

As I come near closing my email, I was sure  I needed a change of heart. And so I started signing my letter with the two hardest words I need to say. If you want to know, go ask me. And I’ll tell you what are those words.

As they say and I quote: “When you’ve found the reason to walk away, never look back, just keep on walking.  Even if the destination is unclear. Save some pride and honor for yourself.  It’s better to get lost moving on than being broken and stranded after all.”

PS: Fast forward to the many mornings after my happy battle: Now I have never been happier. I’ve been praying everytime I go to bed. I am so ready to face the world.

Don’t worry to hide your feelings. If you feel to tell me something, do not stop yourself, tell me everything without any problems I will always be here listening to you.”- Vin

There I was glued to my monitor and was thinking out loud how am I gonna solve this damn mess to which my client has gotten himself into. As if I care… Hey, but I do. It’s my job anyway.

And then Savior suddenly appeared in what they call YM. I was too excited to say hello. He’s spending a week in North Africa (in a country they call Algeria) traveling in business like he always does.

He suspected something was wrong when on the day he left for his trip, I asked him if he was busy. And he is always busy. Since the day he changed employer, he was busy as a bee. And often times, I was fighting with him because I often felt he was ignoring me.

For some unknown reason, he is unable to access my FS blog from his country. So when he saw that I got some new pics and blogs to share, he wasted no time to check it.

Savior: My God, I don’t know what you are talking about in your blog. You need to give me a background!

Me: You can ask me anything, I’ll answer it as much as I can.

So there I was, trying to expose the anatomy of love and how i thought what it was. He’s trying to pick up the pieces like a puzzle on his mind and then coming into conclusion, he said: “Now I understand what Brazil is all about.”

Goodness gracious. I don’t know what to say, he is trying to interrogate me like a guilty salesman who faked my very first sale for the day.

“Ann, you shall try not to expect anything in return. Less expectations mean less chances of getting hurt.” I gave him a bitter smile. If it was a face to face encounter, perhaps my tear would further show more than what I wanted to show.

“I want to hug you because of what I heard today.” He further consoled me. I think I needed that from someone I really trust. I had to remind him that many yesterdays ago, he told me something like he hopes that i can protect myself from being hurt because he can no longer protect me. I totally forgot I was working. With 7 hrs difference from a faraway land, all we have is our keyboards to keep us intact.

I said to him:“ When you are 80 years old and you are still single, please contact me. I’d be more than happy to marry you even if I am on my deathbed.”

He was touched. Despite the many times Savior and I argued, one thing is for sure: He is my soulmate.

As I bid goodbye and leaving him with a smiley face, I hurriedly went back to reality. These cases need my expertise. It’s ironic that when I try to be a savior for people who need me, all it takes to make me feel good is one person.

Thank you my Savior. When I am old and you are eighty, I look forward  to see you again.

“Forgive you for what? For keeping me awake until 2AM with only four (4) hours sleep? Never. “- Futuro Ex

He said that when I said sorry for keeping him glued to me for 5 hours because I was trying to raise my arms against him. He was kidding me. I didn’t understand tears very well.

I decided after much thought to call him Vin. I have always been a fan of Vin Diesel and I knew he had a movie with so much X (Triple X, I think it was).

So I have decided to keep Vin after that Monday morning argument. I was ready to leave but then his exact words were: I want to keep you. I want to make you happy. Vin doubles as my sweetest addiction. It is love, actually.

But then again I asked myself if I am really happy knowing that Vin and I are not on the same page. I was looking for more. All he wanted was just enough to keep him for the next day. This made me unhappy.

Excerpts from our conversation:

Vin: Ann you are not leaving me because you cannot make me happy, but because I make you unhappy. it’s different.
Me:  I think you are right.
Vin: If I didn’t take a decision to leave you is because if I leave you I’ll hurt you, if I stay I’ll hurt you. In any case I’ll hurt you.

So that makes him no good choice. But then again I asked him to give me a good reason to stay and keep him. His response was simple: Because according to him, he cooks excellent home dishes. I had to remind him the first time he fed me pasta from his -12 degrees apartment 4 hours away from Manila was terrible. He almost killed me. But then again he argued and told me it was Chinese pesto. And so there I was, I had to forgive him only because I need a nice meal in a cold winter afternoon.

There are still questions I was too afraid to ask but the most important ones have been answered. Thank God for there is the word called RISK. Now I don’t have anything to regret at this point.

It’s water under the bridge now. When I try to look back, it’s all worth it. I can wash my hands so I can come clean and flash my biggest smile.

Few days ago, I vowed to myself I need to rekindle my love affair with the word “PRETEND”. I have always thought it’s not a good word. But I need its company  to keep me sane. When I am ready to turn my back, I promise not to return. I’d leave pretending to where it belongs.

For now, let it be. The sun still shines on me. I need to train myself like a trained dog that I am to keep me going.

“I wanna keep you, Ann and I wanna make you happy.” It takes so much courage to comprehend this line.

Enough.

• Trip to Divisoria
• Dairy Queen’s blizzard in Strawberry banana
• PAL’s econolight (for more travel!)
• Crime Investigation (I always think I only have this channel in my cable)
• Wowoweeee (I watch this before going to sleep on weekdays!)
• Day dreaming
• Reading old magazines
• Salisbury Steak at House of Mini’s (thank you, Marcy!)
• Ukay Ukay
• Bench’s pretty when pinched (makes me glow)
• Linea Italia (when they are 60%-70%, yahoo! I am a fan of Italian shoes)
• Jamaican Pie
• Dancing while taking shower
• Playing with my nephews and nieces
• Beach trips with my pamangkins
• 60-min mic conversations with my pamangkins via YM
• Sleeping to my heart’s content
• Laughing while I am all alone in my apartment (oopps.. I am not psycho or wanting to be one. I just can’t help but smile when I remember funny things)
• Collecting old and vintage things (but this one, I am trying to break the habit. I end up accumulating lots of clutter)
• Playing with a baby (I say infant, okay?)
• Having 2 pillows on my left and right arms
• Waking up late. As in Late
• Taking the jeepney. I like the breath of fresh air

I’ve always liked to play around my name. The what-ifs and endless possibilities of what could have been. Yes, I have a wild(!) imagination at that. I am writing this from my apartment and my thoughts are running.

And so my little name game begins. What would my name sounds if and when I end up with these guys. Of course I don’t expect any violent reaction from the ex(es) much more from the ex-crushes. Oh well that’s why it’s called name game, right? Okay, so brace yourself people for now all I ask from you is this one thing: can you keep a secret?

Disclaimer: For the purpose of this game, I call myself Amanda Jersey. Don’t ask me why. Just because.

• Amanda Jersey- Cruise (Mission Impossible)
• Amanda Jersey- Li (my forever crush)
• Amanda Jersey- Chan (funny man always puts me in a good mood)
• Amanda Jersey- Cage ( I’d marry him the very next day)
• Amanda Jersey- Cruz :)— yes, I had once a crush on John Lloyd!
• Amanda Jersey- Fernandez (Mark Anthony I think is cute)
• Amanda Jersey- S*n ( No comment, basta I’m crushing on him)
• Amanda Jersey- Tobiasz (ex flame from the other side of the world)
• Amanda Jersey- Trinidad (no bitterness, I wanna thank him for breaking my heart. All the good guys came after him!)
• Amanda Jersey- Zhang (I’d always like to be as equally pretty as Ziyi)

The list is actually incomplete. But after 12 hours of working in a very challenging environment where I work my ass up as an “architect” my normal mind cannot sum them up all.

But of course I always liked the sound of this name and it’s currently my favorite: Amanda Jersey- La Mafia (!).

Now, I am keeping my fingers crossed. Thank God for the Romans:)

Oh February…. I’d like to say how much I love the “Love” month. First of all, it is my mom’s birth month. So as my sister’s too. Valentines is celebrated on this month and it’s always nice to be in love, don’t you agree?

Well, also because on this month, I have finally understood the true meaning of forgiveness. And it’s too bad that it took me three years to finally let go of the hurts someone has caused me. I for sure did miss her! You see, people tell me they admire my everlasting patience. That is so true. Because I don’t get upset easily, people always ask me what can make my patience snap.  To be honest, I know when it’s time to get upset when I can feel my face as hot as Sahara desert. And when that happens, I abhors opening my mouth.

I know very well that when I open my mouth, I can be as cold as ice. So I avoid at all times getting upset. Exercising my patience can be a good game too. It’s a test of how much I can keep my glass full. But true enough, there would be times that I end up seeing my glass almost empty. And when this happens, then I shut my mouth off. Trying to divert my mind into something and or sleep. Yes, sleeping for me is therapeutic. It gives me a clearer state of mind when I wake up.

You wouldn’t want to talk to me after I get upset. But surprisingly, I was never good in arguments. So, when you hear me when I am pissed, believe me, that means you should start being invisible.

People commend me for being patient, but I’d like to say I am still a work in progress. For the few times that I lose control of my patience or when the going gets tough, I still feel that there is always an opportunity to improve on this skill. Which makes me human, by the way!

So next time you see me, don’t forget to say hi. Or you can start annoying me.

Of course, at your own risk!

I hope to meet you, Brazil

And say hello to him

I will miss our times together

And I will miss him like crazy

I want to know how many nights and days

It would take for me to get there

And see you Brazil, face to face

The times are odd

The winds are changing

I rest my case till the day

I see him leave you

And say hello to me once again

As you know by now, I was in Beijing twice last year. China is one of the top places I wanted to visit. And it came true and I even took that PAL flight four (4) times last year. I am amazed as to how this country very rich in culture has become what it is now. You see, few years ago, China wasn’t that “big”. According to my Chinese friend, Pat, for many years, they literally closed their doors to western culture. Too cautious not to destroy their heritage.

But since times are changing, and so is China. I am truly fascinated how many tall buildings you can see in Beijing. It has become an avenue of  “East meets West” simply because you will see a lot of foreigners lurking around the city. Beijing city is a huge square. From what I know, there are at least four(4) Ring Roads. What a nice way to design a city, don’t you think?

Here are the things i truly enjoyed in Beijing:

• There are a lot of huge parks in this city. i like walking around the park, bringing with me my fave book and enjoying the sun. And no, it wasn’t hot… in fact i had three(3) jackets in me. And I still feel cold at that.
• I like Chinese food, although my mafia would disagree with me on this part. He’s not a fan of anything in Chinese you know. I like it because it’s spicy and most of them are healthy. Seldom do you see overweight Chinese, right?
• There are wonderful places to visit like Great Wall, Summer Palace, Bird’s Nest, Water Cube, etc. Most of these places are very historical, mind you. I have seen trees from Summer Palace as old as 400 years old. Wow!
• There are lots of trees around the city. I didn’t know I could appreciate nature that much except when I was in Beijing. Even the falling of a leaf, I enjoyed too much, hahaha:)
• Shopping is great. Lots of great finds.

Oh well, I must add those which I liked the least:

• Communication is quite a challenge. Less people speak English so be prepared to bring your little translation book when you go out. If in case you forgot it, approach a foreign-looking guy and that should do the trick.
• I mentioned shopping is great but mind you, bargaining is a MUST. If they tell you the price of an item, start your bid from the lowest you can imagine. If they don’t call you back again after leaving the stall, bid a little higher when you see the same item from another place.
• Some restaurants do not have english menus! Geez… but your fingers might give you a miracle by pointing on the dishes’ names and pray that it’s not monkey brain served in your plate!
• Chinese spit almost everywhere… so be careful. Either walk ahead of them or make your presence felt by wearing your flamenco shoes so it does not leave you unnoticed.
• China is called People’s Republic of China (PRC) but now it does have a new name: People’s Republic of Counterfeit. This is because everything is being manufactured in China. And the counterfeits are everywhere.  Quality can be so bad so be really careful. Even medicines can be faked.
• Super, uber coldness to the highest! In some days, the temperature can reach -12 degrees. This is China, remember!

But overall, I had a fantastic time in China. I am definitely coming back. I have always liked China. There was never any bad experience from a Chinese except when I was in a flight to Beijing when this Chinese gay give me a stern look after putting my laptop bag in the overhead cabin.

I am by the way, Chinese by affinity—- only because people always ask me if I am Chinese. My oriental looks simply work on my advantage. If I can only speak Mandarin, my transformation can be complete!